At the risk of offending some of my male friends, I will attempt to explain my educated hypothesis of the simplicity of male emotions. I say "educated" because I have successfully entertained the same man for 12 years of wedded bliss.
These 5 emotions can vary in depth and intensity, but do not always run at the same time, nor do they need to for men to be functional. Whereas, women have a veritable rainbow of emotions that are capable of running in concert. The ever changing emotional landscape of a woman's heart working with (and sadly, sometimes against) the shrewdness of her mind makes it possible for women to be incredible multi-taskers while at the same time, bat sh** crazy.
I will preface this by saying that my own emotional state typically aligns more closely with those of the male species. As delightful as this is for my mental health, being even keeled and laid back, this has at times branded me "cold" or a "B-word" or the ever original term "s!*t" by catty, mean girls.
Disclaimer: Yes, there are exceptions to every rule. Kudos to you, dude, if you feel I'm way off base. You are successfully in touch with your feminine side and it's labrynth of emotions. Good luck with that! ;-)
Back to biz-nass! When my girlfriends and I chat about marriage or men in general, I offer this:
"The 5 Emotions of the Male Species"
- Happy. When a man is happy, he's happy. Chances are, he is not smiling while simultaneously picking apart another man's fashion choices or wondering if his butt looks big. He is not likely to be feigning happiness to make his male friends jealous of his awesome life while secretly pining for another's.
- Angry. It can vary between mild annoyance over a neighbors misplaced trash can, agitation over a sporting loss or even escalate to righteous anger over a cruel injustice. It may have been coaxed out by Sadness, but ultimately morphs into the more determined shape of Anger.
- Sad. Wifey shrunk his lucky undies, his favorite rockstar died, etc. He is vulnerable and a little unsure which are simply shades of sadness.
- Hungry. "A way to a man's heart is through his stomach..." Yes, hunger is an emotion! Not only that, but it is a gateway emotion to all the other Fantastic 4. This is why it helps to know how to feed him appropriately to achieve your desired end goal.
- Horny. "and his pants." Sex is as vital to men as water and air. (It should be for women also, but the multi-tasker in them sometimes prioritizes incorrectly and sex moves further and further down the "to-do" list.) Sex is a way we relieve stress, burn off brownies, glimpse heaven, and remember why we put up with all the crap our spouses annoy us with. In a healthy relationship, sex is a balm which can help bring about healing. In an unhealthy relationship, sex is a bandage used to mask underlying issues. Sex is a way men communicate emotions in ways women often do with words... too many words. Girls, body language is more than your Spanx and your posture; it is a tool to speak a language your man will immediately understand. I wish more women would embrace "Horny" as an emotion and not feel shame for the fact that we want and need sex as much as men do.