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Tuesday, August 30, 2011

The 5 Emotions of the Male Species

At the risk of offending some of my male friends, I will attempt to explain my educated hypothesis of the simplicity of male emotions. I say "educated" because I have successfully entertained the same man for 12 years of wedded bliss.

These 5 emotions can vary in depth and intensity, but do not always run at the same time, nor do they need to for men to be functional. Whereas, women have a veritable rainbow of emotions that are capable of running in concert. The ever changing emotional landscape of a woman's heart working with (and sadly, sometimes against) the shrewdness of her mind makes it possible for women to be incredible multi-taskers while at the same time, bat sh** crazy.

I will preface this by saying that my own emotional state typically aligns more closely with those of the male species. As delightful as this is for my mental health, being even keeled and laid back, this has at times branded me "cold" or a "B-word" or the ever original term "s!*t" by catty, mean girls.

Disclaimer: Yes, there are exceptions to every rule. Kudos to you, dude, if you feel I'm way off base. You are successfully in touch with your feminine side and it's labrynth of emotions. Good luck with that! ;-)

Back to biz-nass! When my girlfriends and I chat about marriage or men in general, I offer this:

"The 5 Emotions of the Male Species"

  1. Happy. When a man is happy, he's happy. Chances are, he is not smiling while simultaneously picking apart another man's fashion choices or wondering if his butt looks big. He is not likely to be feigning happiness to make his male friends jealous of his awesome life while secretly pining for another's.
  2. Angry. It can vary between mild annoyance over a neighbors misplaced trash can, agitation over a sporting loss or even escalate to righteous anger over a cruel injustice. It may have been coaxed out by Sadness, but ultimately morphs into the more determined shape of Anger.
  3. Sad. Wifey shrunk his lucky undies, his favorite rockstar died, etc. He is vulnerable and a little unsure which are simply shades of sadness.
  4. Hungry. "A way to a man's heart is through his stomach..." Yes, hunger is an emotion! Not only that, but it is a gateway emotion to all the other Fantastic 4. This is why it helps to know how to feed him appropriately to achieve your desired end goal.  
  5. Horny. "and his pants." Sex is as vital to men as water and air. (It should be for women also, but the multi-tasker in them sometimes prioritizes incorrectly and sex moves further and further down the "to-do" list.) Sex is a way we relieve stress, burn off brownies, glimpse heaven, and remember why we put up with all the crap our spouses annoy us with. In a healthy relationship, sex is a balm which can help bring about healing. In an unhealthy relationship, sex is a bandage used to mask underlying issues. Sex is a way men communicate emotions in ways women often do with words... too many words. Girls, body language is more than your Spanx and your posture; it is a tool to speak a language your man will immediately understand. I wish more women would embrace "Horny" as an emotion and not feel shame for the fact that we want and need sex as much as men do.


  1. Brownies!!! I was thinking of something else before this, but now Must Find Brownies!!!

  2. This is my fave of your posts. U need to 'be' controversial more often LOL. I agree with your emotion breakdown, five times over. Soemtimes I wish that I could see the world as 'simply' as my Hot Man does. Hungy? Eat something. Angry? Hit something or go for a run. Sad? HIt something, go for a run, watch a zombie killer movie. Horny? Have sex.
    Lani @ SleeplessinSamoa
    None of the angst and overkill of thoughts/feelings that I need to sort through before i can suitably express myself or engage in the above activities...LOL
    Nice one.

  3. You are the best my dear! I love you!

  4. LOVE IT!!! Well said! *applauds you*

  5. This is by far my favorite of your articles !!! But sadly most men refuse to admit they have ANY sort of emotion ... Other than Machismo or Horny !! But, even though I love BAD boys ! I have always hated the Macho attitude ! I love a man that takes charge in the fallowing ways ! 1. Open the door for me. ( Car & Elsewhere ) Shivalry only died because WOMEN DON'T DEMAND IT !! We have lowered our standards . And require so little of the men we date / marry ! And Bitch about it !! SHAME ON US !! 2. Have my back ! ( Whether he agrees with me or not , that is between us to work out at home ) . But, NEVER in front of people ! 3. Pull the chair out, is VERY Respectful !!!! ETC !!!! I can do a lot of thing on my own. I have had to become VERY independent through situations in my life. But, it sure is nice to be treated like a LADY !!! Which I am now convinced I am not only Worthy of ! But , will require it from now on !! ( I haven't got it all for along time !! Because I WAS COMPLACENT !! ) BUT NO MORE !!!!

  6. And as far as Horny !! Most ( So Called ) Men !! Think with the Southern head !! When the Brain is the Most Sexual Organ in Everyone's body !! A REAL man thinks of the LADY he is with 1st ! And enjoy each other equally !! Long before he thinks selfishly about his own needs !! Sex CAN be a Lovely thing ! If approached with NO selfish agenda !! Just MY Humbly Opinion !!!

  7. Cheryl, excellent reading!! I love the way you identified the male ego, which is so closely related to these 5 emotions, and did so with class, dignity, and humor!! Loved it!! Now, I'm hungry,....teehee,.....

  8. @SleeplessInSamoa, Thank you, darling! I know, right? I wish life were so easy for us girls all the time too. I'm not gonna lie though, a cheeseburger usually fixes 50% of my problems. LOL

  9. Mom, yes chivalry is dying because women don't demand it, but also because many aren't earning it either. Love you!

  10. Glenn, thanks for reading! I appreciate the male perspective on this one. I'm glad I didn't miss the mark too much. Whew!

  11. @ Lia, thank you! <3
    @ Jeff, thanks honey. Love you too!

  12. This woman is a genius.